On the Brink

 Right now it would seem that I am on the brink of a major depression. I won't go into any details at this point, but everything in my life seems to be grinding to a standstill. I can't seem to create any momentum, and my motivation is about drained. It's hard to create without inspiration. The stress and anxiety of having to wait (for over a year and a half so far) for events I have thought about for years, is now beginning to manifest as physical pain. It's getting harder to find pleasure in the things I do, because I feel alone, irrelevant, and non-validated. I have no partner, so things just boil inside my head and keep me up at night. And they're still there when I wake up.

Maybe I'll explain later, but right now I just feel sad. Not suicidal sad, just a heavy sadness.

7/20/21: I do feel better today. This morning when I awoke, I remembered the moment on 2017 that changed my life, and it gave me hope. It took me back to they day I heard her voice.

8/1/21: I'm back on my game now. That was a heavy week. I occasionally get frustrated at the current travel situations and I've been trying to get somewhere for nearly 2 years, and all this waiting tends to get aggravating at times.

9/22/21: I just had my 60th Birthday, and like every other holiday, I spent it alone. Sure my Mother is here, but you understand what I mean.     It would have been nice to snuggle with someone special and feel their heartbeat. To touch her softly and see her smile. Some days I feel like I'm just fading away from the dreams I have. Sometimes it feels like I'm standing still and watching her slowly walk away. She was never mine, but she was always mine to lose. Some days I have a heavy heart when I think of these things. I try to keep smiling, and that's how people see me. They don't know about my heart and soul.

2/1/21: Today has just been one of those days. No matter what I accomplish or share, or create, or do better on, I just can't seem to get any traction. It's like most everything I work on has no relevance. I share parts of my life on social media, and much of it goes unnoticed. I'm not trying to be an attention whore. I spend most of my days in silence, and I've gotten used to it. I treat others with respect, honor, and dignity, but I feel that I get very little in return. Naturally, I'm a quiet person, and I don't expect the world to patronize me. I do understand that I am older, and as people get older, they become irrelevant in many aspects. Unless you fall into a particular marketable demographic, you end up that one guy sitting in the corner at a party. Often I see people advocating for mental health, but they don't want to get involved. They think they will have to deal with the emotional baggage. A lot of times, there really isn't that type of baggage. In my case, I just feel unwanted and lonely. I don't do 'church groups' or anything like that, and I have nobody around here that shares my interests. I live with my Mother, whom I usually have to take care of, so I'm single. She is allergic to pets, so there's no companions here either. I'm not a 'player' out looking for one nighters. I detest that mentality. I'm on a fixed income which makes me unattractive to those who still worship money. I'm 60 so I have been pushed out of the dating demographic. I do go to the gym and have worked on my physique, which does not look 60 at all. I'm not to the point of sitting in a recliner all day, drinking decaf, wearing a farming hat, watching the neighbors, going to bed after the 6 o'clock news. My Mom thinks I should lower my standards and just take whatever comes by. I cannot think that way. I never have. If I don't want to see you naked, it isn't going to work out. I'm still very capable of the bed activities. That's like having a cheese sandwich when you can have a great meal instead. I ask for so very little from this world, and I have given a thousand fold. They say whatever you give, comes back many times over. I can admit that this anomaly has not happened. It doesn't stop me from being a good and benevolent person. I still work to better myself at every opportunity, but if I'm destined to be alone for the remainder of my years, then what's the point? If I die just as I am, or as a fat, weed smoking alcoholic, who would care? Why would they want to if I'm not adding to their popularity or status? It's hard to build self esteem and confidence, when things I offer to society go unnoticed. I don't fit into the 'popularity' group I suppose. I'm not a 30 year old cover-boy model. I'm not shallow or self absorbed. And apparently, undesirable. Society dictates your status based on looks and popularity, no matter what you offer. I've learned to live with going days or weeks without a compliment, or getting upset because I'm not getting enough attention. They say it is part of 'getting old', but I don't fit that stereotype. I don't act like others my age. I still have much to offer, but nobody cares to take that chance. And that's what hits hardest. I didn't post any of these thoughts on social media. I just needed to vent a little, even if nobody reads it. Some days I don't feel like making music, even though it is an ideal way to express emotion, but if nobody listens, is it still worth sharing? As hard as I'm trying to leave a speck of my legacy, who is actually interested? I love someone who does not love me back, and I cannot  'move on'. When I let go of that, there will be an unending void that no one else can fill. At this point, she is all I have, and most people cannot understand that. If you're not old, you will not understand. I have no children to pass my legacy on to. No girlfriend, no wife. I have had to come to terms that I am the last of my personal bloodline. It's difficult to share that, as most people "don't do drama" and it is perceived as negative. They pretend to be concerned about mental health issues, while at the same time thinking 'go fix it yourself. I can't help you, and I'm soooooo busy".

I'm taking a break from things for an unknown period of time, at the risk of becoming even more irrelevant. If I post, most of it goes ignored. If I don't, then I become slowly forgotten. There is no happy medium. I already feel like a ghost, but will it get better or worse? I know, I know. We all just 'need to be better' and you have to do the grunt work yourself. Try doing that for decades with no payoff. Commit to something you love, and fight for it. Can you do it solely based on talent? Without nobody knowing what you look like? With little to no encouragement at all? When nobody is in your corner cheering for you?

6/12/22:

There are days that seem like I'm standing in a large field. Here I stand alone amidst the commotion of the world. Almost frozen in time, I look around and I see no footprints in the sand as the seasons change. Nobody comes to water my roots or to set eyes upon me. I grow and create the best foliage that I can, just in case a passerby would notice. I do the best I can with the water that is given me. For many years I have stood, and have faced the tempests with courage and hope. Sometimes the tempest wins, and after the thinning of my branches, I endure. Grateful that it was kind enough to give me water, and brush away the clouds, that I might bask in the sun. But still, no footprints. As the twilight of my years awaits on the horizon, I still stand strong and hopeful. Maybe someday, there will be footprints and I can cry with joy, placing water on my roots that I saved from the storm. How nice it would be to have another along side me to grow with, to sit together and watch the Moon pass gracefully by.