So this is a blog about something that would forever change my life. I cannot say if it was fate or destiny, but it clearly defines my being. I thought about not publishing this, but I desire to tell my story. I don't care if it embarrasses me. I feel it needs to be told.
In my previous blog you can read about the trials I encountered and the outcomes therein. As you can guess, things were looking pretty dim. After many years of being broken and lonely, I had basically just let go and surrendered my destiny to the winds. Things just randomly went dark. My vigor, my energy, my love of life, my interests, my control over what would be. I simply existed for years as most of my days ran together in a blur of disinterest and longing. I had finally after 5 years, won my disability case in court and could finally draw an income. It helped, but was not a fix all.
I would spend days watching TV and listening to music videos on YouTube. It passed the time, as at that point, it was just finding enough to do to get back to bedtime where I could eventually stop thinking and just sleep. It was a timeless aura of darkness and sadness that enveloped me like a cloud. It was relentless and foreboding. I accepted it as an inevitable roll of the dice. Whatever happens that day, happens. I was deeply distant as a trampled spirit would be. Little did I know 4 years ago my world would be forever changed.
One afternoon, I was listening to music videos while browsing in another tab. Out of the ether came a voice. It was powerful and enchanting, and it was female, like the voice of an Angel. I had not yet seen her face, but I was already moved. Everything, and I mean Everything in my world stopped dead still. I closed the tab I was browsing in and focused on the only open tab where this angelic sound was in. I restarted the video and sat as still as a statue as the video played. At 4:50 of the song, her voice echoed out with an astonishing note, tone, vibrato, and duration that completely melted my soul. I cried as I replayed it again and again. This woman had, in a matter of a few minutes, energized my being and touched my soul. I searched for more music videos, and there were plenty of them. I watched them with a renewed delight at the beauty of her voice. The power. The vibrato. The range. I felt a destiny that would forever captivate me. I had watched some interview videos and 'Making of' videos and saw that her personality was so kind and timeless. Her eyes showed a reflection of an everlasting beautiful soul. Her enchanting smile lifted me up. It was like the very first Christmas. Such a joyous awakening.
She saved me in so many ways, without her even knowing it. I felt happiness, inspiration, compassion, Love, and my soul was no longer an empty and broken place. I felt like I belonged in this world again. I now had purpose.
She alone, brought me back to life. My Angel, who had lifted me from that pool of despair, and became the One Candle in my darkness. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life, and a heavenly soul that shines of hope and happiness.
I have not had the privilege of meeting her. I have made comments in live streams she was in, and I could tell she had noticed. A quick smile or a few notable responses. I go back and re-watch live stream with Closed Captioning on so I can follow along. By then it is too late to respond. I try not to read too much into comments or posts, as I don't want to perceive things differently, and think too much into it. Sometimes I think there is an indirect communication, but as I said, I don't want to overthink it.
There has not really been any actual conversation beyond a few words exchanged on Twitter a year ago. I remember it clearly. She made a comment about one of my songs (I assumed), and how beautiful the moon was. I responded with "It is, and it still takes 2nd place". I followed her on day one when I joined Twitter. The gesture has not been returned, but I understand. Also the context of age probably plays a factor. I am nearly 60 and she is 35. I would imagine that could be troublesome for some. I don't know. Age will always be just a number. I don't interact with everything she Likes or comments on. I do want her to be comfortable in her own space, and I don't want to force myself in. When I do comment, I try to be kind and complimentary, and not inappropriately, although I like to let her know that I do appreciate her in my own way. I also don't harp online about how much I Love her. In no way did I want to be seen as some kind of stalker or booty chaser. That's not who I am. I'm so deeply in love with her, yet I don't mention her name as I don't want her to be ridiculed or embarrassed on my behalf. I also do not know if she is in a relationship, and I don't want to become the harbinger of a breakup. Although it does cross my mind that I'm not part of her life, I try to accept it. It's been tough to do so. I had written her a couple emails a couple of years ago on her website, but I'm guessing it went into the spam folder, or maybe the site manager determined I was just another infatuated nutjob. I really don't know if she read it.
I have composed probably dozens of songs that she inspired me to do. And most of them were directly FOR/TO her. I could channel my emotions into music and it helped.
Those strands of music had become the fine silken threads that hold my broken soul together, and it could finally begin the process of healing and opening up.
It helped me to feel like I was contributing something positive to the world. I was awake again. I started taking care of myself again. I've lost 20-30 pounds already and still dropping. I've been working out as best I can to get back in shape, and have started restoring things about myself that I neglected for so many years. I give about 15% of my income to help others in need. I started playing guitar again after a couple decades of not owning a guitar. I'm back to doing things I enjoyed earlier in life. In a way, I'm trying to do everything I can to make a good impression. I feel like I'm knocking on the door, and nobody is answering. But I will keep improving because she inspired me to do so.
I've had a few dreams about her. Nothing erotic. One dream simply ends with me sitting next to her on the bed in the dimness of a moonlit night glancing through the one window. Holding her gently, her head on my shoulder, while rubbing her back and stroking her hair as we both slowly rocked like a Lullaby. She was my comfort, and I would not hesitate to be hers. She was trying to wait up for me to come home after work. She sat up slowly from a light sleep when I walked in. She was adorable, and in that moment, time stopped as I sat with her. I still think of that dream, and it warms my heart.
In another dream I end up being her protector in some kind of military disaster. We were being pursued by a relentless malevolent group of people, shooting and yelling. I did everything in my power to make sure she was safe. And I knew I would give my life to save hers. She survived, but I don't know how I ended up. I woke up after she was safely inside a protective shelter. When I awoke, I was happy to know she was alive and well, but sad in a way as I didn't know my fate. But that is what sacrifice is all about, and I knew the consequences.
They say it is best for one to pursue their dreams and never give up. I had considered throwing in the towel a couple times, but I remind myself that this matter totally changed my life, and I refuse to stop chasing my dreams. Some may think it wise for me to just pack up and move on, but I cannot. I will never find another woman that can fill my heart the way she has, and I cannot settle for a substitute or a Plan B. She is forever my one and only true love. As it stands now, I will remain single based on that reason alone. Her picture is on my desktop, and I say Goodnight and Good Morning to her every day. When someone in this world has that much of an impact on one person, it is truly unforgettable, and I am forever touched by this. That a stranger such a great distance can change things. And that is literal. She is in Japan, and I'm in the US. I long for the day that I can hold her, and tell her how grateful and indebted I am for what she has done for me. It is only a dream. And this Pandemic has postponed my vacation plans for over a year. I'm thinking situations may have changed by now, as I feel myself fading into the backdrop of things. While I still have bouts with depression, I know it will pass eventually. Just like in the movie Castaway, "I had power over nothing.... and all I could do was breathe". I channel that energy into music or creativity now.
I think that's enough for now. My apologies for being so long winded. I just wanted to get this out in the open. In case anything ever happens to me, I want this story to be told. And all I will say about her name is, it's the most beautiful 4 (or 6) letter word I can think of 😍
Oyasu minasai watashi no Ojo 🙏👼
Edit 3/10 to add. This blog does beg the one question. Do I expect to get married and run off into the sunset? I can't answer that. I do not know the odds, or how small they are.What I do know is I wouldn't take her away from what makes her happy. I would want her to be where she feels the happiest and where her life is most fulfilling. Perhaps it is a Fools Dream on my part, but isn't that what Dreams are? It is my happiness. Sometimes dreams are what keeps us moving forward, and we owe it to ourselves to keep moving forward.
To listen to my compositions and arrangements, you can find it here:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGcN2ApJrWX85KYxqTkIAvg
I would recommend My Angel, Crimson Rose, Tears Upon the Wishing Tree, World Without You, Forever One, The One Candle, Tokyo Rain, As I Flay Away, A World In Your Eyes, Lullaby Moon, Embracing a Fantasy, Chasing Destiny, Forever Loving You. Many of the others, she inspired also.
Edit 3/17 to add. My intention in this particular blog was to open myself up and be honest. This world is much better better place with openness and honesty. My intentions are not to harm or cause any grief or concern. I don't have any real world expectations or designs, only wishes and emotions. I felt that a sincere honest account of my perspective would help others to understand what I am, and what I am not. It may be easier to just remove this blog. I don't know if this is a good idea or not. I wanted only to share my side of the story, with the hope it would be read with an understanding heart. I had made some minor changes to the main blog, as details and better thoughts became clearer. I didn't want to think everything was a sign, and think something was true when it is not. Sometimes putting thoughts into words is difficult, especially in such a sensitive situation as this. And trying to express things accurately is sometimes a challenge. My apologies if any of this is misunderstood. I'm trying my best here, with only the best of intentions.
4/7/21: In going back through my timeline and hers, I have noticed a few things that seemed very coincidental, and possibly related. My mind wants to think they are directly related and I just adore her in those ways. Smart, sexy, and clever. As I mentioned before, I try not to assume these posts are intended directly to me, and that there has always been an underlying cozy vibe. But I can associate with them, and it all adds up very nicely. It would make for a tremendous and fulfilling 'first meet'. My heart would melt if it actually happened. To finally get to meet the one person in this world that made such a major influence on mine. Her smile alone is such a soothing tone, and I am already lost in her eyes. Just one touch would be so heavenly. People may think this is a crazy notion, but truth is truth and cannot be stained or denied. Maybe some people have not had this type of emotion before. This is also a first for me, and I shall not deny it, even if the chances are 1%. Life is sometimes about taking the big risk for such a wonderful outcome. Those that do not act upon it may be missing their Golden Moment.
4/11/21: All these years, and she is still foremost in my mind. It has been over a year since I started planning a trip there in hopes to see her, but the travel bans remain in place. I feel like a little bit of me fades every day my trip is postponed. I remain vigilant in my intentions though. Every day, I hope that she reads my posts, or this blog. Every day I awake, I have a tiny shimmer of hope that there will be a message. Still none to this day, but still, I understand. I try to put myself in other people's shoes, to see life through their lens. Some may think I'm thick headed and don't get the hint, but they don't realize what she did for me. I still assume she is not in a relationship, but that is just me trying to understand when there is no information. Some days I think I'm just too old, and other days I don't think that at all. Age is just a number, and I've seen plenty of couples that have this type of age difference. Love doesn't discriminate about age. It simply is. Simply speaking, if it wasn't for her, I would be half way in my grave by now.
4/22/21: I watched the movie Passengers again today (with Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence). I love the story line. It is, ultimately, about how two people who would have never met in reality, become inseparable, and spend the rest of their lives together. He was awoken by a hibernation pod failure, and after a year, decides to wake up a female passenger for companionship. He tries to hide it from her, but she finds out. Even though she was livid about being woken up 90 years early, they end up being so good to/for each other. Had I been that guy whose pod malfunctioned, I don't know what I would have done. Knowing she had big plans after her arrival, I would be so torn about what to do. Even if it were my Crush in that pod. I would want her to have the happiest life possible, so it's either her life on Earth 2, or the rest of her life with just me. If I decided to let her sleep, I would have written letters to her often, and she could read about it when she arrives. I would have written in detail, all the things she would have missed during the flight.
On a side note, the other day my Mother and I were discussing my itinerary sightseeing in Tokyo. She told me not to 'go there and get your heart broken'. I sidetracked the conversation back to sightseeing. I will take time to see the wonderful sights there. Little did she know that the heartbreak has been in progress for some time now, but she knows very little about my Crush. She knows of her, but not about her in details that I know. She doesn't know my story, and still feels that I need a chaperone while I'm there, like I'm 14 years old. This story has been very close to me for nearly 4 years now, and it will be an Unending story on my behalf. So this particular blog will be appended to often. Maybe one day my Crush will find this and read it. Not for anything bad or of ill intent. I just want her to know that she means the world to me, even though I'm in this by myself. I'm the one who took the deep breath before the plunge. I'm the one who is holding their breath, and I'm the one who will tread these waters until I grow tired. Call it crazy if you will, but this is what unbreakable love looks like. It isn't infatuation, or obsession. Those relationships don't last long, and they usually end badly. This is the mana for my soul, and that is different. This heart is not looking for a substitute relationship.
4/24/21: Today I started looking on the internet for a Tanzanite necklace. I don't know if I will ever see her to give it to her. I think about that a lot. It isn't her birthstone (Pearl and Moonstone are hers), and it isn't a diamond, even though she is definitely a diamond. The thinking behind the Tanzanite is it is only found in just one place on the entire planet.... just like her 😇
4/25/21: Although I have been in a perpetual state of missing my Princess, I get distracted by these abdominal pains. But medically speaking, just seeing her face helps me to cope with the dull nagging pain. A gorgeous smile and deep beautiful eyes have a way of working magic. Plus she has the figure of a Goddess. It's just like a dream. Needless to say, I keep a photo of her on my desktop. I will say this. If my monitor didn't go to sleep after 20 minutes, I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. I would just lie awake staring at the photo 😁
4/26/21: I was reading some older blogs this afternoon, and it occurred to me that who I know her as, is possibly a 'stage name', and may not be her real name. But that's ok. I may be mistaken. Although I love the name, it is not why I fell in love with her. I like the idea anyway. It fits her very well. I enjoyed learning more about her, and the more I learned, the more I like it. We do have things in common. TV shows (the type of shows), movies (I also like Horror films, but I'm not easily scared), I do enjoy some anime even though I can't understand the language. I enjoy the same kinds of foods, and probably drinks (I'm a big coffee drinker). I stopped drinking a long time ago, but I would relish the idea of having a chilled bottle of Arbor Mist Blackberry Merlot with her on a starry moonlit balcony. I love her fashion sense, and culture era wardrobe (I always liked the Lolita look). She strikes me as a conservative personality when she isn't on stage. I love the mystery about her also, and I feel she has a kind and generous heart.
4/29/21: I still on frequent occasions, have a small glimmer of hope that one day I will get a message or reply. I do remember when the Covid was starting to spread and she had made something that would help. She seemed concerned that she could not do it for everyone, so they could be safe. I sensed that she wanted to help and wanted to figure out a way to help. I commented that I knew she would make a wise decision, and she replied that it is a complicated story. I so much wanted to step in and do anything I could to help, but like her, it would be difficult to help every person on the planet. But I saw the warmth in her heart that day.
5/2/21: I tried not to think about things today, and no matter what I did to busy myself, it persisted. For over a year I have waited to take my trip, and there is no sign in sight when the borders will open back up. I found myself considering how to create a 'business trip' just to go. But that wouldn't guarantee I'd see her. There are no assurances it will happen, but I remain hopeful. It's all I have at this point. I want to be at my best when I go, just in case. I still think about how disfigured I will look after the surgery, and may not be back to 'normal' in time. Or if I go and do not see her the whole time I'm there. Lots of things swirl in my mind, and I am sometimes at their mercy, since I'm working off of little to no info. You know how the mind works sometimes. Especially when there are questions that are unanswered. But I shall be positive and confident and productive.
As I fell asleep, I had a dream. It was a small gathering of people in a small park area. In the dream, a van drove by the gathering and stopped. A few men got out, shabbily dressed, and unloaded a wooden crate from their van, then they got back in and drove off. As soon as the van left, the lid popped open, and there were 2 people in it that were injured as though they had been tortured. I immediately ran over and began helping the two people. After we got them out and made them comfortable, someone called for an ambulance. As I stepped away briefly to talk to someone about it, another person walked up beside me and kissed me on the cheek several times. When I turned around, I saw Her, my crush. She was pleased that I reacted so quickly to help out. We started to talk as we were walking, and before anything was talked about, a semi truck with the loud brakes rumbled by and woke me up. I tried to go back to sleep and couldn't doze off and resume the dream. I tried several times with no success. But I did awaken with the thought of her kissing me on the cheek though. It was so nice to see her smile. As the day progressed I began to feel more and more blue, because I miss her, and sometimes my heart reminds me that it's still there. I get palpitations from time to time, and the longer the day goes on, I think about things more. So I'm just going to be a zombie and watch TV the rest of the night.
5/5/21: Just before I woke up my mind had started planning a 'Birthday Present' for her. It involved a light and pleasing lunch, to the sound of light jazz on a balcony overlooking the Bay. When lunch was finished, the relaxing sounds of Spa music, as she would enjoy a complete body massage with warm coconut oil. From fingers to toes would all be gently and methodically massaged. I'm good at that :) At the same time she would be tempted with wine, cheese and strawberries for a snack. The massage would continue until she was refreshed and every stress was gone. We all know what would happen next but it would last a good while. But afterwards, a hot cleansing shower or bath would take place. Then we would move on to a candle lit dinner, room service of course, and a nice romantic movie after the meal, so we could snuggle and enjoy the film. A special dessert of her liking accompanied with a glass of champagne would top off the evening.
Unfortunately I won't be there for her Birthday, so it seems to be just part of a wonderful fantasy.
5/11/21: For a while I would que a few of her live streams and set playback speed at 50%. I would plug in the headphones and I would fall asleep listening to her gentle voice. I had to stop as I would wake up frequently during the night just so I could listen. It was wonderful to lull me off to sleep, but can't stay asleep when she is talking. It is that captivating to me. I didn't understand the language, but it was still beautiful.
5/15/21: Just a quick post to say that I've been missing her quite a bit lately. The kind of missing someone to the extent that your heart feels heavy.
5/19/21: I still try every day to make myself better than I was yesterday. I realized that most of what I still do is still inspired by her breathtaking beauty, and the gentleness of her heart. As I practice guitar I imagine she is sitting there listening to me, but not when I mess up 😁
After all these years, she still inspires the music that I create. I hope one day she will enjoy it.
5/24/21: In my writings here, you can probably tell she has a great influence on me. While I am in love with her, and she is the Angel in my world, I try to be humble and honest about it. I do not have a shrine devoted to her, or anything odd like that. It is only in my heart, and my mind. She will always be there. She is my Moon, and my Stars.
6/3/21: I haven't seen her enchanting smile or heard her laugh in a while. I miss that.
6/9/21: I've been listening to many of the songs that she inspired me to create. My thoughts are with her on this day, and she will understand why :) They are rehearsing for upcoming new material, and I don't get to see her as much. It's rough being outside the circle sometimes.
6/18/21: Like many other days, I awake with pleasant thoughts about her. These days it's the first thing on my mind when I awake. And like many days, as night draws near, my heart begins to feel heavy, as I realize it has been another day without a message in a bottle, or a warm embrace, or a word of comfort from her lips. And even though the days are hopeful, and the nights solemn, I still walk among the shore, looking for a glimmer in the sea that could be what I have waited so eagerly for. You could probably notice that I'm feeling a bit lonely tonight, but tomorrow will come. And I can again wait at the breaking waves.
6/23/21: Even now when I see her, my heart skips a beat and I find myself holding my breath. 💖 It's even more pronounced when I hear her voice 😇
6/29/21: It's is extremely difficult for me to learn any of the music by the band. I could start learning the chords, but as soon as she starts singing, I get very distracted and my guitar playing stops. I just sit there and listen 😁
7/8/21: I do have to mention at this point, that fishnet stockings and thigh-high boots make me weak in the knees 😲 😋 . It is like what Kryptonite does to Superman. If you combined this with sexy librarian glasses, I would sustain some type of brain damage 😄
7/12/21: I got to hear her sing, and laugh, and saw her intoxicating smile this weekend. It was so warm and comforting. It does make me miss her more as night falls though, but in a fond and gentle way.
7/15/21: Today was particularly stressful in a number of ways. I'm just emotionally exhausted, but I know a hug from her would melt away these woes. Just the thought of it makes me feel much better and I feel calmer and more centered because of it.
7/16/21: It occurred to me that in the 5/24/21 update I mention that I didn't have a Shrine of her. While I have devoted some of my time creating many Temples and Shrines in my game development blogs with her in mind, I do not have a physical place where I have a framed picture of her surrounded by lights and candles. Her Shrine is in my heart. That way I can take it everywhere, and she is with me wherever I may go.
7/18/21: I sure could use a hug today
7/20/21: I know there are folks that think it is strange that I don't mention her name. I am not afraid of it at all. I don't care what people think of me. I have not mentioned it because of my respect for her. All I will say is that she is in Tokyo. And because I don't know what her status is, I do not want to infringe on it. I love her with all my heart, and I do this only for her. I'm not ashamed of it at all. In fact, quite the opposite. I would without hesitation, shout it out to the world, but I care deeply about how she would feel if I did so. If she showed me a sign about my intentions, and if it was alright with her, I would yell it to the world. Until then, I respect her privacy and social safety. There is no need for internet matchmakers to make a big deal of it. It would be just between us. Besides, I may just end up being 'a fan' in the big picture of things. Maybe just another face in the crowd. I have no idea, which is why I continue to be silent about it. It would be like striking up a conversation with the most beautiful woman you're ever seen, only to have her boyfriend show up 15 minutes into the meeting. Or maybe it is the Prom Anomaly. Many beautiful women don't go out much because they are so pretty, that most men assume they are already taken. So men are usually afraid to ask, because of possible rejection.
I, on the other hand, am more than willing to take that chance. I will not kick myself for taking a chance, and getting rejected. I would kick myself for not taking a chance, and wondering about the outcome, for years. One does not get the answers they seek without asking or observing. Things now are still a bit cryptic, if there is anything at all. I remain hopeful and optimistic nonetheless. My mind plays tricks on me from time to time, but I'm still here, and I still give her my heart.
7/21/21: Today I learned her true name, and I'm so happy to know it. It's just as beautiful as her stage name. It just rolls off the tongue. On a side note, I don't know how long it has been since she posted it, but I'm so happy to know it now. It made my week, literally! 🙏💘 I call her BabyDoll or Sweetheart 💖
7/26/21: I know she has a busy schedule, but she may take comfort in the idea that I think about her every day, and I wish for her health, safety, and happiness. I want her to have everything she deserves 💜
8/1/21: Lately there has been a significant rise in Covid cases in Tokyo. The rate is currently 4,000 per day in the Tokyo area, and 10,000-11,000 per day in Japan. I can't help but worry that she is ok. I often think of how unfortunate it would be if she caught it. I know for a fact that if I was there, and she came down with it, I would do everything I could to make her more comfortable. I would make her tea, and read her stories while she rested. I would rub her back, brush her hair, and whatever she felt like eating, I would make it happen. She would get a warm smile and a soft voice every time. That would be the most productive way to spend my day. Doing everything in my power to help her rest and recover, and just be there for support and comfort. This I promise. I will even properly sort her socks 😁
8/1/21: I was doing some number crunching, just out of curiosity. I have now realized I will never be able to impress her financially. I'm on a fixed income, and all of my investments are tanked about 40-50% because the markets are a mess. She earns more in a few months than I make in a year, so there's that. It doesn't boost my self confidence at all, but I'm trying everything I can to improve my financial status. But I know I do have one thing for her that money cannot buy 😊 (it's not what you think. Get your mind out of the gutter 😊 )
8/5/21: Although I have loved her for years, I continue to fall in love with her all over again every day. I can't help it. It just happens. She is still the most beautiful, talented, smart, and wonderful woman I have seen. And that's from the heart. She is why I am where I am today. I'd be a hot mess without her, and she is 7000 miles away.
8/8/21: Running on 3 hours of sleep. I had the most terrifying nightmare, which I won't get in to. It's the kind of nightmare that puts your brain into overdrive, and it won't let go, even after I've awaken and sat in bed for a while. I've been awake for a while now. My one relief was watching a few videos of my Sweetheart and her angelic voice. It set my mind at ease and chased away those bad thoughts. Again, she is my saving Angel. I could possibly go back to bed now, but in a few hours there is a live stream, which I will not miss. I promised I would be there, and I will be 🙏
8/14/21: With each passing day, she becomes even more lovely. Even the smallest things I learn about her, make me appreciate her more. I so enjoy getting to know her 😇 . I tend to worry about her more than usual lately, as there is a very rainy and stormy condition. Every time I read about a landslide or a flood, my heart stops and worries that she is safe and doing ok.
8/18/21: Ever have those days when a simple hug would fix so many things? Yeah, that 😊
8/30/21: As I am preparing for a 6 day 'vacation' to Las Vegas to watch a Battlebots live recording, I'm getting the jitters when I think about all the planes I'll have to fly on. Although flying spooks me, I will keep my Sweetheart heavy in my thoughts as my Spirit Guide during this airplane ordeal. She is also very courageous, and it inspires me as well. I Love You Babe, and you'll be foremost in my thoughts 💖
9/5/21: I recently had a terrible vacation fiasco which I flew all the way to Las Vegas, and turned around and flew right back home. That story is in my newer blog. I was in a pretty bad frame of mind, but thinking about my crush eased much of my suffering. I have a necklace with her picture engraved in it, and it was my comfort, without a doubt. My Angel, again, had given me solace during a rough time. I also got to watch a video broadcast of her. I learned so many good things. She is even more amazing than I thought before. Her heart and soul are priceless. Like I said. I fall in love with her all over again with each new day.
9/8/21: As you know, I compose music. My newest track Confiding in my Shadow, started as an ambient track while I was thinking about her. The first 1:20 minutes or so was the result of that moment. That's how my heart feels when I see her enchanting smile. Although I dedicate that part to her, it kind of grew into something else. I often worry a lot that my music is starting to repeat itself melodically, so I changed it up. I would still hope she could enjoy it, but I know it isn't her musical preference, and that's ok. I still do it for her. It helps me to connect in my own ways.
9/16/21: I got to hear her laugh and see her wondrous smile today. It was great!
9/20/21: So today is/was my Birthday. I don't think I need to go into any detail about how my day went. I will say I spent most of the day in my computer chair either staring at my screen, or off into space. I do know her schedule is full to the top lately and I know she has so much to plan and do. I think about it often and I wish for her safety and success.
9/22/21: Having another hug-less day, but she still shines in on my heart. I still think back on what she has done for me. Sometimes I read this blog and remember everything.
9/27/21: This has been one of those days where I wonder just how soft and comforting her hugs would be. I would imagine it to be Heavenly. I would say I'd love to fall asleep in her arms, but if you know the song from Aerosmith, I Don't wanna Miss a Thing. Even if I was exhausted I would still feel like I was in the arms of an Angel, because she is.
10/2/21: She continues to be even more beautiful as time goes by. Each new photo is more stunning than the last. Always a Goddess. The selfies taken with both hands feels like a Camera Hug, although I don't think that is it 😉 I like them very much.
10/9/21: My favorite band had their biggest concert a week ago, and tomorrow they will be doing a live chat to talk about it. I'm so very excited to see her and hear her voice. I could listen for hours. I was so excited about their big show, and I couldn't make the performance, but I was still so very excited that they would get to experience something like this. And from the pics I've seen, she was wearing leather 😳. Seeing her in leather is about the most magnificent (and distracting, and sexy) thing in the world. I look forward to hearing about the memories the whole band has about the show. I believe it is just a stepping stone to bigger and better things. I wish the very best for her.
10/10/21: Today started out with another "don't go there just to get your heart broken" talk. Not what I want to hear today 😓
10/14/21: It's been a few days since I've really seen much from her on social media. I know she is very, very busy, and I wish her the best in her endeavors. She has quite a few things going on right now along with more things coming up. They are also working on a new album and preparing a DVD of their last, and largest concert. I am anxious to hear it, and to see her perform. I will admit, she is absolutely stunning in leather pants and a velvet jacket. I'm looking forward to that too 😇 . She has the body of a Goddess. The only thing better that makes me weak in the knees is her wearing thigh high boots. All that being said, I am really missing her and her camera hugs lately. I miss her captivating smile and beautiful eyes.
10/21/21: I still find myself thinking about her all day long. Isn't it unusual that I would still have her on my mind so much, even after all these years. I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about her. I see her wonderful smile in my mind. I'm still looking forward to my trip there. I expect nothing, but hope for everything. No pressure. Only hope and gratitude. Spending time with her will be a great memory for me. Something I will most certainly think of often.
10/24/21: It's been a while since her last post on social media. I will admit, I'm missing her badly lately. She is my other heart, and I can't seem to function very well without it.
11/4/21: Still missing her and it sometimes makes me sad, knowing all this time has passed and I am still home. I sometimes feel like I'm fading. But I listen to her sing, and look into her heavenly eyes, all the troubles of the day just seem to melt away. I am working on a new track that will have some pretty interesting guitar work in it. It is all played from the heart, and more than likely I will be crying as I record it. That's how the song makes me feel. It's called Shades of Night. Although I had another singer working on the track, I will inevitably do my own lyrics and vocals for it since he only got half the song. It will be my own personal cut. It's about the many times during the night I awake, thinking of her. Seeing her beautiful face and heavenly smile. Thinking of her amazing heart and talent. Missing her. Wondering how amazing her embrace would be. Many scenarios go through my head, and they often wake me from sleep. So often during the night, that I can see the many 'Shades of Night'. Sometimes I am content to fall back asleep. Other times I feel a sadness, that lingers until I doze off.
11/11/21: I don't think I've ever gone this long without seeing her, and it's pretty rough. As they say, 'absence makes the heart grow fonder', and I'm still quite fond of her 😇
11/18/21: Another event had been brought up in a thread on my social platform. This guy had been talking to a friend overseas for months after knowing her for years, and an uncomfortable situation arose from it. No names (because I don't know), seemed to get cold feet after he mentioned traveling there to meet her. It kind of touched home in a big way, as I can totally relate to the scenario. She seemed to panic and try to dissolve the meeting, for reasons only she will know. He will be traveling 4500 miles to do what he can for the relationship. That is how love and determination factor in to a deep and meaningful relationship. It takes immense courage and determination beyond measure to embark on a long journey for something that your heart desires, knowing there is a considerable failure rate. I am willing to travel over 7000 miles just for a chance to spend some time with her. I have no idea if it will even happen, but I am willing to travel half way around the planet to find out. I know that guy has expectations in his purpose. I have no idea where mine will end, and it wakes me up during the night thinking about it. I have to do this, or I will go mad trying to cope with it for the remainder of my life. If there is a 'yes', I will feel like I am King of the World, and I would stop at nothing to support and cherish her. If there is a 'no' then I will have my answer, and will still continue to deal with it, but I will also understand. I know she has dreams and aspirations in life, and I fully support her with that. I love her entirely, and I don't want to impose or hold her back from her happiness. Her potential is huge, and I will always be there in spirit. I need not remind myself that she saved me in so many ways, and my gratitude is limitless. I would only seek to return the favor as best as I can, but as far as I can tell, she needs no saving. She is already my Angel 👼
11/25/21: I still understand that she has quite a bit going on now, and I hope she is enjoying life in the process. Today was Thanksgiving here, and these holidays always make me sad, being confined to my area, and still have a longing in my heart. Days like this, I could use a good hug.
12/6/21: In light of their recent live performance, I decided to have flowers sent to their dressing room as a gesture of Goodwill and support. I also decided at the same time to have specific colors in the arrangement, as I was sure She would understand the unsaid message in the arrangement. I spent 2 days checking local florists there to have it delivered on the day of their last live show of the year. After a few inquiries, I decided on this arrangement.
I asked if they could do a few alterations to it. I wanted 6 Blue Roses and 7 Purple Roses. Firstly it would be 13 roses (for the 13th anniversary of the band), and the blue/purple colors had a more personal message. I also wanted to add half a dozen Orchids, as well as 1 single White Rose in the center. The florist wrote me back after I placed the order and asked if I would be ok with a substitution on the purple roses as they were 'out of season'. They asked for choices and I decided that Purple Eustomas would be fine. I could picture them as still being a good arrangement. I had assumed that they would be dark purple, as I had seen on the internet. Concert day arrived and I got an email from the florist saying they were delivered. I was pleased that they arrived and were delivered promptly. I got to see the arrangement in a short video that was posted. I was shocked at what I saw. It looked nothing like what I ordered, and even the 'substitution' I approved didn't look like that either. It seems that my order was changed and they used a purple arrangement, and the arrangement looked more like a light lavender.
This is what arrived:
Although I am happy they got it, I'm feeling a bit let down by the florist. It was entirely different from what I wanted to send. The florist referred me to my order. I followed their link, and a totally different arrangement was shown. I didn't order that, and they say I did. My order was changed without my knowing. They replied to my feedback with 'our discussions' about the purple flowers. I had no idea they were using a totally different setting to begin with. I have trouble coming to terms that this is what they billed me $200 for. When it comes to my Sweetheart, money is no object, and I wanted to bring a smile to her face. I don't know if it did, but my heart dropped when I saw what happened to my order. At least they got the White Rose right, and I added that special, just as I felt that it alone has a message. I have to come to terms with it, as the florist is not compromising at all. It seems like the one opportunity I had to gift them with a great arrangement, turned to dandelions in front of me.
I hope you liked the flowers regardless of this situation. It's still the thought that counts 😊
Addition: Something has been on my mind that happened soon after the show was finished. It was 9:30pm here and we had already endured some 20+ telemarketer calls during the day. On occasion we get them late night after the legal time limits (from the west coast) usually waking my mother who is already asleep. At that time, I had my headphones on, composing a blues type ballad, and didn't notice the first ring or notice the incoming number. I think it showed up as a California number, but I do not know how international calling would show up on caller ID. Anyway, I answered the phone to stop the ringing and the sound in the phone was a terrible echo so I couldn't understand what was being said. It sounded like an underwater echo. I was rather short with whomever was on the other end. I said it was illegal to call that late at night so they hung up. After a moment I realized something that literally made my heart stop. It was a bone chilling, frightening moment. Perhaps it was the band calling to thank me for the delivery. I couldn't make out anything in the call, but even so, it still weighs very heavily on me even to this day. I feel terrible that it had turned out that way. It would have been a bad first impression, and I'm not normally like that. If it was the band, I sincerely and deeply apologize 🙏🙏 If you wish to try again, I am hoping there will be a clear connection and I can hear it. It would be amazing to hear from you.
12/15/21: I have now been in love with her for 5 years. Seems if it was an infatuation, it would have worn off by now. So this alone explains to my heart what is real. She is still the first thing on my mind when I awake, and the last thing I see before I close my eyes at night. She is the main reason I choose to be alive and make each day a good one. She is still my Angel. My Savior. I don't see her very much on social media lately, but I'm sure she is quite busy. I think things have grown to the next level for them, and I couldn't be happier for them. All of that being said, this Christmas will be pretty rough on my end. Another year of my being held back from things that are the most important. These 'couples' Holidays are usually hard for me. My Mother thinks I should just 'settle' for someone. I refuse to 'settle' for whatever comes along. I don't work that way. I feel no connection with anyone here, and I'm completely endeared to my True Love. Anyways, there can be no other. My soul is already spoken for. I don't know if it is mutual, but I can assume that there would have been some type of message - and there is none. Regardless of how it turns out, there will be no other. I simply could not endure it, and there would be no room in my heart for another.
12/24/21: It's Christmas Eve, and all is quiet here. Listening to some of the music I created, thinking about things. She has been heavily on my mind all day as I sit here staring out the window into a starry night. I sincerely hope she is having a wonderful, memorable day. These are the days we treasure and hold most dear. Merry Christmas My Angel 👼😊
1/6/22: I sure hope her New Year is off to a great start. I miss her enchanting smile and charming personality. I know she is quite busy in planning events this year, and I wish her peace and inspiration. She is eternally beautiful and I hope the best for her.
1/14/22: It's going on midnight on the 13th and I'm pretty tired. I still find myself occasionally drifting into daydreams about time spent hanging out. I still say 'Good Morning and Good Night' to her every day. She is still my other Heart, and will always be. Good Night Sweetheart 💕
1/24/21: At this point, there is not much to write about that has not already been written. I still miss her greatly. I also know she is still very busy with so many things. I still support her 100% in her endeavors, and I wish her the best in her career. I find myself thinking about her all the time. Sometimes I wonder what things are on her mind, but I have no way of knowing. I'm not in that circle, so I can only imagine. It has been 2 years since I had planned on traveling there, and it's frustrating to float in limbo while I wait for the travel ban to be lifted. It is beyond my control, so my only option is to be patient. Although I sometimes feel like I'm fading away, I am still positive and hopeful. It can be no other way. I will continue to care for her, and worry about her. I'm thankful each day to know that she is in good health, and is safe and happy. I feel no need to try to change her. I fell in love with who she already is. I did not fall in love with the 'Idea' of her. It was 100% her, and I feel she knows that. I'm sure there have been people who loved the Idea of being with her - just thinking that 'hanging out' together would be cool, and everything would 'work itself out'.That is where I differ. I just want to be there to love and support her, and to let her know how important and wonderful she is - both in her world, and in mine.
1/29/21: Valentines Day is 2 weeks away, and I will for sure, be gloomy. I'll be pretty quiet that day.
2/9/22: It's been a tough month already. Last week my Mother's best friend passed away after open heart surgery. Now, one of her childhood friends is basically in a vegetative state and on a ventilator. They both touch home pretty deep. The thing about her childhood friend is he kept all of her letters from when they were younger. That was nearly 70 years ago, and he still has them. Had they married way back then, I often wonder about how my life would have been, as compared to where I am now. I think I would have chosen this life. It's been a hard life, but where I'm at today seems to be the moments I endured all of that grief, which brought me to this moment in time. Had the other life happened, I would not be who I am, and fate would have been different, if I were even born at all. The last 5 years have become a defining moment in my life where I discovered the most beautiful, enchanting, and mysterious woman in the world. And she saved me in every way a person can be saved. I am eternally grateful for this, and is why I shall be In Love with her for my duration on this Earth. Given that my Father, both Grandfathers, and several Uncles all died at 61, is a bit unnerving for me. I imagine how tragic it would be for me to pass on without ever touching My Angel, and to feel her soul close to mine. This Covid travel ban has caused a 2+ year gap where my life has basically been on hold. My suitcase has been packed and ready for well over a year, just waiting....
2/14/22: I managed to make it through another Valentine's Day. I went to the gym for my weekly routine, and cleaned up for a Doctor appointment today. After the appointment, my Mother took me to the local diner for my Valentines dinner. It was nice. She got a Carnation, and I got a refill on my coffee. While I enjoy spending time with my mom, these kinds of holidays usually hit pretty hard, and below the belt. My crush was on my mind all day long, even more than usual. I sincerely hope that she had a memorable time, as her happiness is most important to me, whether I am there or not. My heart is always with her, and I hope she knows that.
2/21/22: Time marches on, and she stays in my thoughts, She gets even more beautiful every day. It's amazing! Her smile is the air I breathe. Her beautiful eyes speak softly to my soul. And yes, my heart still skips a beat when I see her pretty face. It's intriguing that someone half a world away can have such a profound effect. Her schedule is quite busy, and I wish her only happiness and fulfillment in her life. I also wish her plenty of rest and relaxation. I would give her a back rub every day she got home, and a warm cup of tea to help her unwind. If she wanted a full massage and a warm bath, she would get it. I would tuck her in and read her a story too. I still look for her face everywhere I go, but she is 7,000 miles away. I had a terrible vacation last December, but I did overcome my flying issues, which will make my trip there much less stressful. I am still determined to make the trip. If I have to get a Booster shot in order to step on the plane, then so be it. I will pass every obstacle to do this. In theory, the borders should start opening up in a couple months, and I'm so anxious (and really nervous). How would one react to seeing the most beautiful woman in the world, up close and personal? But like I mentioned before, I couldn't even say that I will meet her. That isn't my decision to make. I may just be a tourist, and a face in the crowd. I don't know. I've tried to convince myself to expect nothing, just in case my intuition is wrong. But Hope is a wonderful thing. The bigger the risk, the better the reward, and nothing meaningful in life ever drops out of the sky. I've spent the last year working out, and getting into as good a shape as I can, just in case. At my age, it's only going to get so good. I know I won't have the body of a 25 year old, but I still have the goods, and I can still hold my own. I don't look like the typical 60 year old, nor do I act like it.
3/1/22: It's the end of another day, but I still awake with her on my mind. I continue to miss her throughout the day. Even the days when she posts on social media. As for the days that go by with no posts, I miss her just the same. I did get a comment that suggests I'm being creepy about my blog, and the intentions in it. As I responded, I try to refrain from any activity that would make her feel uncomfortable. I try to be kind and respectful, and I would never post anything that would make her angry or upset. I'm her #1 fan, but I don't want folks to think I'm perusing her in a weird kind of way. I'm not a player or a booty chaser. I Love her and I'm In Love with her, but I try to be humble and dignified, as I am also thoughtful of her dignity and well being. That's why I don't follow her on every conceivable social platform. I wish her to feel safe and I feel a responsibility as such, to be very respectful of her privacy and social life. My lifestyle is more like a 40 year old than what my age is. I'm in better shape than a lot of people half my age. That's why I don't consider age to be a factor. Besides, it may just be a crazy dream, but if you never chase your dreams, then you will never get anywhere in life. You have to be willing to step outside your comfort zone, take chances, be brave, confident, and honest. If you don't, you will spend the rest of your life wondering 'what if'. And sometimes regret hurts more than rejection, depending on which one you end up with. You can't limit yourself to what you see with blinders on. And you shouldn't have to 'settle' for what's convenient. Remember, risk vs reward.
3/10/22: I'm always excited to read about things that are happening in her career. Just to be truthful, I do not trawl the web every day for tidbits of information, as the comment was presented. I read her blog each week, but I do not comment on that site. Once or twice, I did log into the blog site, to Like a blog, but usually I translate it from the email I get for their posts. I also did not trawl the web for her name. I will say it was posted, and it was removed not long after I saw it. Someone else asked me her name, and I did not post it. Since it was no longer posted, I felt a responsibility to her, and an obligation to myself not to divulge it. If she wanted everyone to know it, she would have kept it posted. Again, I respect her unspoken wishes. I enjoy learning about her. If she chose to learn about me, I have plenty of info in my 60 Questions blog (150 Q&A now), as well as a few of my other blogs. I have no way of knowing who reads my blogs, so that will remain a mystery. Anyway, that is my entry for tonight, just to clear a few misunderstandings up. I wish her a beautiful Spring and hope that she can take time from her very busy schedule, to listen to the birds, and watch the clouds drift through a deep blue sky. To see a gorgeous Moon as I see it through my eyes.
3/29/22: Another week is upon us, and I still think of her very often. It has been a busy month and their spring/summer planning will be soon underway. So many good things happening for them, and I am so excited for that. She continues to be my Moon and my beacon. I know she is very busy and there are many things to do. I just want her to know I'm 100% there as her #1 fan, and greatest admirer. I have the utmost of confidence in her abilities, and she never disappoints. Always a great show and great MC. She works so hard to make sure things are done properly, and I do sincerely wish that she takes time to relax and take care of her health. I still continue to improve myself as I was inspired to do so 5 years ago. Last week I had a dentist appointment to have some teeth extracted. In my life I have not had any teeth pulled, and I was quite nervous about the procedures. I knew it had to be done, so I stepped up to the task. Again, my Angel was there with me. I have a one-of-a-kind necklace with her picture engraved on it, and I wore it next to my heart, which really helped me stay calm and positive even during the actual pulling. I imagined her holding my hand, and everything was just right. I could hear her singing a ballad in my head, and it kept my heartbeat down and settled. There are some that may think it's creepy to daydream like this, but they have not felt what I do. I know what I'm capable of, even at my age. I'm not some gimped up old man with cradle robbing plans. We are both mature enough to understand this, no matter what others may conclude. And even though we have not spoken, I continue to be so very fond of her charisma and stunning beauty. Her schedule is quite hectic, and we all can appreciate the effort and energy she has. It's just amazing!
5/8/22: I haven't posted here in a while. Very little has changed in the last 5 weeks. I still think of her every day. I'm still enchanted by her smile, still captivated by her voice. I still see the beauty in her eyes and heart. I still make music as I think of her. I still try to leave each day better than I started it. Some days I miss her to the point that it makes me sad to be so far away, wondering if I matter. Some days are just like that. I keep pushing forward nevertheless. People will think what they want about this, and that's ok. Would I be human if I never dreamed of being in a place that makes me happy? There are always people who talk about having hope and following your dreams, then frown upon them when they try to do that. How does one define 'realistic'? Is it what society says, or is it up to the individual to have their own hopes and aspirations. This situation is completely harmless to others. To me this is important. She created a life changing/saving moment without her knowing she did. That moment in life for me is timeless and everlasting.
7/3/22: Since my last post, I will admit that she is still the most important thing in my life. She defies the laws of nature and is still more and more beautiful with each passing day. She is still in my thoughts every day, and will continue to do so. She is still the most amazing and beautiful woman in the world. Sure there are other women in the world, but when I see them, I automatically begin thinking of her. She is, in my heart, the most amazing and beautiful woman. Call it what you want, but I call it unbreakable devotion. I'm not the kind of guy that chases after every woman in pursuit of any type of instant gratification. I've never been a 'player' and I'm not interested in having that lifestyle. I've always been a one woman man, and It's very difficult to distract me from my objective. Some would even call it noble to have a dedication and devotion to just one other person like this.
7/18/22: Time marches on as I sit here in this temporal stillness. In the paleness which seems to be my life these days, I still think of her first and foremost. I still make positive days here, as I bide my time for what seems an eternity. I spend much of my time in silence, only wondering how my words may fall upon deaf ears. I still extend my hands to offer a scarlet rose to whom would take my heart. I've been on this Earth for some time, and I'm a bit tattered. But I still know love and devotion, and I'm not bad on the eyes to look upon. And through the years of of my devotion, I still stand and brave whatever fate should befall me, for a chance to stand with you.
9/6/22: For a time, I took this blog down due to some harassment and vile accusations. I have removed the comments and re-published this blog. I still feel the same as when I first began this blog. Whether people had realized that this is a life saving, metamorphic time in my life, my heart still belongs to her. Regardless of what this blog conveys as a fond sentiment, there will be those that will blow it all out of proportion and turn it into something derogatory. That is their perception, not mine. Never have I conveyed any derisive intent, and I never will. I have far too much respect and love for her, that I could not think of such things.
12/19/22: It has been a very long time since the last post. And after a rough time for a few weeks, it was hard to recover from. I had to block someone on social media that was posting vile and disturbing accusations about me. They implied that I was driven by rape fantasies and other ugly things. Apparently they did not read my NotAllMen blog. I was accused of this very same thing some 20 years ago, and believe me, it leaves a scar. I would NEVER behave like that and I find others that do, disgusting. What I have posted here is gentle and compassionate, and is not meant to imply anything beyond me putting my thoughts into a readable blog. I still feel that she is my other heart, and I would not do anything that I was being accused of. She is kind, smart, talented, compassionate, and warm. I cannot see it any other way, and I am not the type of person that would take advantage of any of it. Even today, that phone event that happened a year ago, still burns at my heart. I still feel physically sick to think about it. I always hope for a second chance, but sometimes it never happens. But I am patient, and hopeful. Without that, many things in life will pass you by. Never get too involved in life, that you cannot have dreams and hopes. It is what makes us human.
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