So things have been on my mind for quite some time. I figured I would post it here since my blogs do not get read very often, and that's fine. This is not meant to be divisive, wrongful, guilt driven, or anything beyond just my thoughts, as plain and kindly as I can.
I have been in what some would call a one sided relationship, for years. And although my feelings have not changed, I have to have a soul searching event on my own behalf. I know the other person won't read this, and that is also fine. I write this with the affirmation that my story will not make it that far, but my story will live on.
To put it in perspective, I am 61 years old. And although I do not look or act that age, it is still part of the elimination process in 'how things are'. I am in the un-date-able category in which we have no marketability because of the criteria. I'm not rich, but I'm ok with that too. When there are no options, there are few choices. Many will not understand this until they are older. And at 61, my potential for becoming wealthy is quite limited. My wealth is in me, not the bank. I'm skilled in many crafts, musically inclined, kind and thoughtful, and confident in my abilities. At this point in my life, I do not foresee having a family. As much as I looked forward to it in my youth, I married twice, and discovered the futility of those two arrangements. They were not destined to be. I've grown and learned so much since then, and I thought the time was right that I seek an enduring companionship, and it seemed that Fate and Destiny chose this one for me, then took it away. Although I tried to make this special connection work, it suffered a few setbacks (which I was not allowed to explain), and each day feels like I'm slowly fading away into obscurity, just another face in the crowd. I really cannot go through this darkening ordeal again. Especially alone. But there is no other choice. I have a dwindling faith that I will find that connection I wanted, and my heart cannot bear another break. I have technically stopped 'looking for love'. Honestly, it wouldn't be fair to anyone else. I just take care of it, just in case. I have only hope now. And purpose is becoming more disposable each day. I'm not a weak person at all. I'm shy, but confident, and I have no ego to bruise.
I'm not the type to just 'settle' for whatever comes along, or the One Nighter kind of guy, or anything like that. There has to be a chemistry, which is why I can count all of my relationships on one hand. That's just how my mind works. I just wanted the Heart-to-Heart connection. The kind that soothes the soul.
Although my health is still acceptable, I do have issues with my knees (surgeries made them worse), but I'm still active. I used a cane for nearly a decade, and I got so frustrated with it, I vowed to overcome it, and I did. I had a major stroke years ago, and have overcome that too. I also have an abdominal mesh implant which has migrated into my abdominal cavity. The surgeons can no longer find it, but they don't care. I try to be better each day, and have succeeded thus far, but sometimes I ask myself why I continue. If nobody notices, then why the effort? I'm not in my 30's anymore, and it starts dropping off quickly for us who are not desirable or attractive by the media driven social standard. By my own standards, I'm still quite marketable, but then again, I don't make the rules. But if you don't matter to those that matter the most to you, what is the next step? It's not in my blood to give up, especially when they matter the most. They say that long distance relationships don't work, and I plainly refused to believe it. They say that age and distance are irrelevant where love is involved, but as they say 'the road goes both ways'. It may be a lesson, but not a very comforting one. And one that I'm not prepared to relearn again in the future.
So many times have I had my heart broken or abandoned. It is difficult for me to watch these types of scenarios on TV, because it becomes a painful reminder. There are people who do not discuss their personal lives, and that's ok. It may be their personal or cultural beliefs, and I'm ok with that, too. I felt the need to express myself so maybe one day, even after I'm gone, it can be understood.
While I still wait, there is no candle in the window, as there no one that seeks it. I will not let go of her, but I know it is futile to continue trying to make myself relevant. She doesn't smile for me anymore, and that's what hits the deepest. We never had the chance to really know each other.
I still have trouble coping with the fact that my bloodline ends with me. Things haven't gone according to plan, and the hourglass is nearing the last grain of sand. I'll keep moving forward, but I know my fate. And I'm not very happy with it.
Although I did meet another in that country, they are more of a 'Daughter/Grand Daughter I never had' than anything else, and will remain that way.
6/6/23 Update. Although my health is still good, I am currently going through a kidney stone (about the size of a tic tac) ordeal. That started yesterday and required an ambulance. Our 2 local Fire Departments were both closed, so they had to send it from another county. In this small rural area, it took them over 30 minutes to arrive. While I still have to deal with that, they also informed me that I have a tumor on my adrenal gland. It's benign, so I'm not going to concern myself with it 😏
I will admit that I have a picture of her on my phone, and that was my focus to help cope with the pain. That's about all I wanted to add. I wanted to keep it brief, as my pain killers are kicking in.
8/31/23: Some days are harder than others. I know I should work out or practice guitar, then I ask myself why I'm doing it. The answer is quite obvious, but if I'm destined to be alone for the remainder of my life, then what's the point? I know there's the whole 'future' thing and "I need to.....' but when you get booted from the dating scene, it's hard to cope and adapt. I'm not a player anyhow, so I'm not just looking for a quick lay. If it isn't with someone I want to be with, it isn't going to work. Plain and simple.
In the hard reality of today's society, if nobody finds you attractive or desirable, then the safety net is money. If you don't have that, then in a modern sense, you have no market value, hence the loneliness of being. Most people do not see the inner person, so in the concept of visual appeal, a lot goes unnoticed, and unappreciated. Validation is a huge part of the human condition, just as respect is. When you don't feel valid or relevant, your mind starts playing tricks on you. Even when I make an honest effort to share myself and my accomplishments, it mostly goes unnoticed. Time after time. And after time, you begin to question your worth, and whether your contributions are worth the time and emotion you put into them. I have not really made any new music in quite some time. I've basically lost the desire to create. If I pour my soul into a piece of music and it gets 1 play a month, it's very discouraging. Most everything I have invested my heart and soul into have payed out near zero. Am I worthy of a better life? Absolutely! I don't sit around and wait for it to show up at my door. I've posted 90 videos on YouTube, have traveled to the other side of the world, and continue to play guitar despite my physical limitations. I donate to charities, give respect and dignity to strangers, take care of my Mother, create fantasy worlds on computer, and still be a good human being, despite the isolation it has all given me. And even though there are people in this world I would take a bullet for, there is no reciprocation. I have no control over that, and I have no wish to manipulate others for personal gain. So I just bide my time. I don't sit around feeling sorry for myself. I stay productive and supportive to others. It just happens quietly and less populated here. Sometimes it's difficult to fathom that everything in my life has come to this. When will I be the hero, and the center of someone's world? Still, I remain optimistic and hopeful. Stranger things have happened, right?
12/2/23: I was going to add more, but I'm not seeing the point of it. Beyond the fact that people can read about my emotional rollercoaster, it is what it is. It feels like I'm drifting farther from shore; that I'm just another face in the crowd, but feeling like I'm in the nose bleed seats where you become irrelevant. Just a ticket and merch buyer, in a sense. I don't have anyone here to talk to, nor do I have any support, so things tend to snowball. As it goes unnoticed and unaddressed, it will continue.
2/2/24: Just to update, I feel myself slowly slipping back into that dark place I was years ago. I still push forward, regardless of the destiny that ensues. Love seems to be an unreachable luxury that evades me like a bird in flight. I have forgotten the touch of a woman in every aspect of the joy and pleasures it has. It has been over 15 years, but nobody cares if it doesn't benefit them. Although I have so much to offer, there is no interest. None at all. Not even in slight. They say you should set your goals high, and work towards them. I have done next to the impossible to regain my physical abilities after so many things had taken their toll. I will not be able to play guitar the way I imagined due to neurological and physical issues, but I practice anyway. Because I was motivated and inspired to do so by someone very dear to me, even though I'm the only one in the game here. Nobody knows my story, and has no interest in it. I've been near death before and I have overcome so many barriers and obstacles, but there is no encouragement. No affirmations. No feedback. It seems that everything I have conquered to be where I am now, is just trivial to those involved. Although they mean the world to me, I am insignificant to them. It is one thing to love, and another to not be loved back, or even acknowledged. It has become harder to see the beauty in things, when there is nobody to share the experiences with. Because of the instances I have had most of my life, my people skills are minimal at best. I am unusually shy and humble, but I'm also funny, loyal and dedicated. I am also not young, rich, or attractive by today's' standards. I also refuse to conform to the Granny standards of people my age, especially around here. I'm not very fond of the cultures and mindset, but I live with my 82 year old mother so I can take care of her. She needs help with many things. I also know this house will be mine one day. I hope it is a long way off, but this is my situation these days. It's difficult to be creative when very little consideration is given to something I have poured my heart and soul into. And the ones I created things for, have no interest in it. So, that's where things are right now. They say it would be best if I let go and move on, but, there will be no 'next time'. After surviving these upheavals for over 50 years, you get to the point that it doesn't matter how much effort you put in, if there is no reciprocation. You get used to the pattern, and just accept that everything will remain unfinished and without any closure at all. One gets used to the fact that anything meaningful with come to a complete stop with no answers. Just abandonment and silence. People say there is always time. Try that frame of mind when you're over 60, and twilight begins to appear. I've taken the great risks, and was met with a quiet denial, many times over. It is my burden to bear, and I know many people carry their own burden. But this is mine. I don't post this so people will feel 'sorry for me'. I post this so others can understand that the lives of strangers can be very sad and complicated. This is why I always try to be kind to others. My life is unbearable at times, but I don't want others to feel this way. Life is not supposed to be fucked up, but if I can shoulder this burden so others do not have to, then that is my sacrifice.
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