Alas, it is turning out to be 'one of those days' again. Without even actively thinking about it, my heart feels heavy. Some days I just feel forgotten and left behind. It's nobody's fault. It just is. Some of it is just lockdown fatigue, some is not being able to travel, some is badly missing someone, some is having an insatiable longing for someone an ocean away, some is mid life crisis, some is medical concerns, some is having validation for the music I create. There are days where they win, and days where I win. I'm doing everything I can to stay positive, and for the most part, is going well. I still compose music and practice guitar along with my many other hobbies, but sometimes, my heart isn't 100% in it. And I don't like working on things like this when I'm not inspired. It feels artificial and mechanical.
I'm pretty much in the midst of what they call a mid-life crisis. I'm nearing 60 and I have no girlfriend, no wife, no kids, no pets, I live with my Mother, no best friends, a fixed income, and I wonder how I will leave my legacy. My bloodline ends when I do. When I was younger I had imagined such a very different life than where I'm at now. I can't go back and change it, but I would sure love to be 20 years younger knowing what I know now. I would be exactly where I wanted to be without these disabilities, financially independent, and I would be on top of the world. So far, no luck, but I can still have dreams.
I'm not looking for sympathy, pity, or drama. Just letting you know why I'm quiet some days. I'm still kind and respectful, usually in a comedic kind of way. I still laugh and smile. It's just some days are harder than others. It takes a lot of energy to act like everything is great. People who never had to do this will not understand. I don't drink or do drugs. Some days I wonder if it's still an option. At least I could get a break from things.
4/24/21: Today however, is a different story. There are just things that stay on my mind all day long. Not things like 'did I lock the door', but very personal things which I won't get in to right now. From the time I wake up until I fall asleep, I always have unanswered questions and thoughts that persist no matter what I try to do. Even while composing or practicing guitar, I cannot be 100% focused. I try to be productive every day, but some days it feels like there is this big empty void looming over me. Although I'd rather have a much different life, sometimes we have little choice in what happens. Time, distance, and circumstances all factor in. We have to try to adapt. In my case, I don't know, but I ask myself what is possible, and try to accept it with a positive outlook. The days where I'm mostly quiet online are the days when the void is very heavy.
6/3/21: Just to touch on the overall views of all of this. I'm not a negative person. I'm pretty laid back and often comical, and I am quite confident in all of the things I can do. I don't do anything half assed. I don't jump on every little task the moment it shows up, but things that need to be done, get done. Over the years I've had plenty of people take a huge dump on me, so I'm just a bit shy around people as I understand how human nature works, and how predictable society has turned out to be. Liars think everyone lies, cheaters think everyone cheats, thieves think everyone steals, playas think everyone is a playa. Sure I get sad. We all do. That's all part of this thing we call life. All of these emotions offer us lessons and experiences, and will ultimately mold us into who we are. We are a product of our environment, and it is up to us to make the changes we want to see in our lives.
No comments:
Post a Comment